spikedbats | [ximilia] :// inbox

I know the feeling.

[Her tone is warm and amused, but not in a mocking way. The entire reason she took up this project was because she needed a way to take her mind off of the stress she was feeling. Of course, she also felt it was one of the ways she could be useful to the people here. By nurturing and providing as best as she could, just in case there was a time they ran out of supply drops.

So far that hadn't happened, but it doesn't mean it won't one day. It's best to be prepared.]

It's easy to be lost among all the far more capable people that're here. Gardening is a way to lose yourself in a way to be useful. Even when you feel like you're not.

[ It should probably be stranger, to be surrounded by people who know all too well the types of things he's been through. Maybe they haven't exactly experienced the terror of the Upside Down and the drive to keep a group of teenagers alive because that's all he views himself good for these days, but they know what it's like to constantly have to check your six, sleep with the lights on, and feel like no matter what they do, those monsters are going to keep coming back.

In some ways, this project of Clara's is perfect for Steve, who with zero superpowers often feels like he's barely of any use to the team. Sure, it's not nearly the same as being the one responsible for finding and obtaining an orb, but everyone has their place here on this ship, and maybe this is Steve's. A support role, a way to help make sure that people have a little bit of greenery and a little bit of reprieve from their own stress. ]

Yeah, that's a nice way of looking at it. [ And then, a beat passes, and he can't help but let out a soft chuckle. ] Shit, if my dad could see me now, he'd be furious. We Harringtons aren't exactly known for our gardening skills, I'll just put it that way.

[Now that makes Clara take pause. Her years as a teacher have taught her to pick up on little clues dropped here and there by her students. When he talks about his dad, it reminds her a little too much of the boys in her English classes who would say they couldn't engage with poetry because of their fathers.]

Then I suppose it's a good thing we're meant to be more than what our parents expect of us, yeah?

[She smiles, taking a step over to rest her hand over his arm.]

Think you could be known here for your gardening skills, by the way.

[He really is doing a lovely job. Top marks, in her book.]

And if you were, it wouldn't be anything to be ashamed of. There's better things in this universe to be, other than what our fathers want for us.

[ That response from Clara takes Steve by surprise. He's used to his friends just completely glossing over Steve's comments about his family. They assume because he's rich, he's got it made, so they don't ask about his home life. And here, Clara's perceived him in a matter of seconds. ]

Yeah. I guess so. [ He pauses when he feels her hand on his arm and his breath hitches as he finds conflicting feelings start to bubble up within. He's spent so much time repressing the parts of himself his parents disapproved of, he forgot that here, on this station, he can be whoever he wants to be. No family to punish him for not living up to the Harrington name. ]

I know I wouldn't. It just. [ He sucks in a shaky breath and clenches his eyes shut. His voice comes out quiet, small, almost ashamed. ] Would it have killed him to be proud of me, just once?

[She can hear that shame in his voice, and remembers back when she was 24 and fresh out of university. Her father had been so disappointed that she chose to be a nanny rather than "do something with herself". He still loved her, but she knew that he always wanted her to be something grander than a nanny or a teacher.

She wonders if Steve understands that about his father. From the way he looks right now, she rather thinks not.

Being here can be hard on people that aren't super powered or giant robots. He's so young, only a handful of years younger than her. Barely younger than she was when she first started traveling with the Doctor. He has the entire universe to make an impression upon, and here he stands, looking full of self-doubt.]

Oh, sweet boy. [Dropping what she's doing, she rounds about to go stand in front of him. A hand goes to his cheek, gently cupping and trying to tip his head down so he'll meet her eye. Her other hand goes up to press against the opposite cheek, and she makes a soft soothing sound.]

Look at me. Look at me, and you listen. I know you're afraid you might not ever feel his pride in you, and that's all right. But you feel that fear, and you let it make you something better. Someone better, someone kind. Because any man can have children and raise them to never know how much they care for them. But it takes a bigger man to recognize the need to be loved, and to be kind despite the love that wasn't shown to him.

[Her thumbs run along his cheeks, and she smiles, a little sad.]

Think fear like that is supposed to be a constant companion. Always with you, even when we don't want it to be. But do you know what? I've been to dozens of planets, and I've yet to meet someone that wasn't important in some way.

[He is too, even if he doesn't feel it just yet.]

[ Shit. Steve really hadn't meant for this to unravel like this. The gardening had been meant to channel these emotions, and now look at him, halfway to crying in front of Clara, which only served to make him feel worse, because he can hear his father's disapproving voice once again, this time berating him for daring to show any sort of emotion deemed weak.

He can't escape them this time, though, not when Clara's standing in front of him, and the moment her hand gently lives his head so that he's looking at her, he's done for. The words only seal the deal, beckoning those unshed tears to slide down his cheeks and remind him that he's only human, and it's not a weakness to have emotions. ]

Thanks. [ It doesn't feel like enough, but he's never been great with words the way Eddie Munson and Nancy Wheeler had been. He hopes the sincerity in his voice and in the looks he gives her back is enough as he struggles to regain his composure again. ]

I guess being here's a start, right? Like. We're all important to the mission. [ And he tries to tell himself that even before he stepped foot on this station, he was important. Without him, how would the kids stay safe? He is important, even when his dad wants to convince him otherwise. ]

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